


How Do I Tell You What You Mean To Me?

by SHFanFics



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Regret, S4 Time Jump, Sad Bellamy Blake, Sad Clarke Griffin, Sad with a Happy Ending, The Author Regrets Nothing, Time Jump AU, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25899514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHFanFics/pseuds/SHFanFics
Summary: What if Bellamy was much more upset with Clarke after she tried to lock the bunker? What if he refused to let her come on the trip to get Raven? And what if he never even bothered to say goodbye?-or-A S4 Time Jump AU in which things go a lot differently for Bellamy and Clarke.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin & Madi, Bellamy Blake & Madi, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin & Madi, Clarke Griffin/Raven Reyes, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Octavia Blake & Clarke Griffin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 83





	How Do I Tell You What You Mean To Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I was just on a 5 day canoe trip so no wifi or service and so I ofc I had to write a Bellarke one shot. I know it's not great but it kept me occupied so I hope you all enjoy! (PS. For those of you waiting for updates on either of my two ongoing stories I am SO SORRY!!! Im the worlds biggest procrastinator but I promise more is in the process of being written now!)

Growing up, Bellamy Blake never considered himself a stubborn person, he was never one to hold a grudge. He’d do anything to protect his family of course, namely his sister, so if anyone or anything got in the way of that, sure he could be strong-willed. That’s why Bellamy found himself slipping on a spare hazmat suit and reaching for the handle of the bunker door without so much as saying goodbye to _her_.

After they got Raven’s call, he knew what he needed to do. Get the rover, drive to the lab, pick up Raven and get back before the bunker door was sealed. There was still enough time to make the trip and get back in time and he wasn’t about to leave one of his friends to die. Naturally Clarke had immediately volunteered to make the trip with him and he’d not so kindly refused her company. He didn’t miss the way he saw her face fall with sadness for a split second before putting up her walls again.

Any other day Bellamy would’ve gladly accepted her company, he would’ve loved to have her by his side in fact, but alas, today was not any other day. Today was the day where Clarke had him knocked out and chained up in the bunker while she planned on letting his baby sister and thousands of other innocent people burn in praimfaya. Today Bellamy didn’t recognize the girl he’d come to care about so unexpectedly, maybe even the girl he loves.

That’s what made it hurt so much more. Clarke wasn’t just some random person who conspired against his sister or himself. She knew him, probably better than almost anyone else in his life. He trusted her, just as much as he trusted his sister if not more. Clarke knew exactly what she was doing when she made the call and yet, she did it anyway. Of course he didn’t hate her, honestly he didn’t think he was capable of it, but when it came to his sisters life, he could hold a grudge and that was exactly what he planned on doing.

Clarke had argued less with him and more at him, as he wasn’t speaking to her. She argued about coming to the island until the very moment his sister had some of her people lock her away. It broke his heart really, he didn’t want to see her unhappy or distressed, but it was what had to be done.

“Promise me she has a spot in this bunker and no one lays a finger on her while I’m gone, O. I know she’s done bad things but she’s still Clarke.” He found himself fumbling through the words as he was doing up the straps on his hazmat suit.

“Bell I-” Octavia started in a tone that seemed like she was about to tell him she kicked his puppy. That got his attention.

“The only way I’m spending the next five years in this bunker is if you swear it Octavia. Otherwise I’ll-” he spoke firmly not once breaking eye contact.

“I promise.” Octavia said with a nod of understanding and he felt himself let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Come home safe Bell, please I can’t do this without you.” She said with tears welling in her eyes and a sad smile on her face.

“We’ll get back on time O, don’t worry.” He said pulling her into his arms and giving her a tight squeeze. “And besides, you’ve always been stronger than I ever could be, you don’t need me, you don’t need anyone. You can do this O. Now go lead your people.” He smiled as he pulled back and she gave him a nod as she turned her back and made her way out of the room with one final goodbye.

That’s when Murphy and Emori came rushing in, asking to join him on his trip. He had quickly agreed mainly because he didn’t feel like braving the end of the world alone. They weren’t exactly the person he wanted to be with right now but they’d do, at least until he returned and Clarke and him could work towards healing their broken relationship.

Not saying goodbye to Clarke was never distinctly a part of his plan. He just found that he couldn’t deal with that situation at the moment, especially when Raven needed him now and Clarke and him would have five years together to work out their issues. He knew he could make it back on time and that’s why Clarke hadn’t been a priority at the time, there were other people who needed him, other people who hadn’t purposely put his sisters life in danger.

As they drove in mostly silence, he kept letting his mind wander to two very different but two equally as dangerous scenarios. What if he didn’t make it back on time, what if he burned in praimfaya and left Clarke believing he was angry with her, he never forgave her. But then what if he did make it back, what if he had five years to spend with her without the chase of death at their heels? What if they could forgive each other and be happy together, maybe even start a new life with each other. The first made his heart ache with regret and the latter made him scared to hope. Even if he made it back on time, was their relationship even fixable anymore?

They had some troubles on their way and they picked up Echo. Things were starting to look pretty bleak and hopeless. Truth be told, Bellamy was terrified. Then they got the call from Monty and Harper and told them to meet up at Becca’s lab, they had a plan to survive.

When he’d realized for certain they really weren’t going to make it back in time. When he released that he’d be spending the next five years with Murphy, Emori, Monty, Harper, Echo and Raven, millions of miles away from her, there was only one thought running through his head.

_I should’ve hugged her goodbye_.

No matter how upset he was with her, whatever grudge he was holding against her, he would give anything to have her in his arms right now. He wished he would’ve wrapped his arms tightly around her small frame. He wished he would’ve planted a small and delicate kiss on her forehead and then maybe even one on her lips. He wished he could’ve whispered in her ear that no matter how things were between them, he’d always forgive her and nothing could change the way he feels for her. He wished he would’ve told her those three meaningful words before the world ripped them apart. He blamed himself for all of it. If only he hadn’t been so stubborn.

There was one hope he was holding out for. They’d arrived safely at the lab and explained their plan to Raven. She agreed it was a crazy plan but they just might be able to pull it off. Bellamy would’ve liked to say that was the thing that gave him hope but that was no where near the truth. Raven told him about the radio in Becca’s office that she’d used to contact the bunker and she told him if he was lucky he’d still have about half an hour to contact anyone there again before the death wave hit the radio towers.

There was his last glimmer of hope swimming in a sea of regret. There were so many things he wished he would’ve done differently but even if this meant he’d have to lose her, at least she’d live, she’d be safe, that was what mattered most. His last bit of hope was that he could talk to her, forgive her, tell her everything before it was too late and the radio gave him that chance.

“This is Bellamy Blake calling Polis Bunker.Do you read Polis Bunker?” He spoke shakily into the receiver. He waited a moment before repeating. “This is Bellamy Blake calling Polis Bunker. Do you read Polis Bunker?”

“Bell?” He heard his sisters voice come through the radio.

“O?” He asked with hope evident in his voice.

“Oh thank god Bellamy. Please tell me you’re almost here, we need to seal the door soon and I was getting worried but I knew you’d come through big brother.” She said happily and Bellamy could practically hear the smile beaming on her face. He saddened knowing he was about to break his baby sister’s heart.

“Octavia,” he paused taking a deep breath. “We’re not going to make it back, I’m sorry.” He spoke and it was silent for a long minute before the radio crackled to life again.

“What do you mean you’re not coming back Bell, of course you are. Are you stuck because I can send a team out to get you right now if you just-”

“Octavia, we’re at Becca’s lab. There’s a rocket here that Raven is fixing up. We’re with Monty, Harper, Echo, Murphy and Emori. The seven of us are gonna take it up to the ring and spend the next five years up there, ride out the radiation. Our plan is good, it’ll work I promise.” He said softly.

“Bell, I cant do this without you.” She said clearly trying to put on a strong voice.

“O, I told you, you’re the strongest person I know, you can do this.” He spoke firmly.

“I guess I’ll see you in five years big brother.” She gave a sad and humourless laugh. “Just please Bell, don’t die.” She said dead serious.

“I’ll see in you in five years O. I love you so much.” Said Bellamy lovingly.

“I love you too Bell.” She let out a sigh.

“Um O, can you please get Clarke on the radio, I really need to talk with her before I go.” He said trying not to sound as sad and desperate as he felt.

“Bellamy...” she started in that bad news tone of hers again. He swore he felt his heart skip a beat. There was something wrong, there was something wrong and it had something to do with Clarke.

“O, whats is it?” He asked no longer caring how desperate he sounded.

“Clarke.... The guards tried to lock her up but somehow she escaped unnoticed. One second she was there and the next she wasn’t. Someone heard the bunker door slam shut and an extra hazmat suit was missing. Only Jackson saw her rush by and he told us she said something about going after you. We couldn’t risk lives going after someone who didn’t wanna be here Bell, I’m sorry. Clarke... she’s gone.” Said Octavia as gently as possible.

And with that, Bellamy’s last glimmer of hope had been extinguished. It was over, he couldn’t say goodbye to her and she was going to die anyways, after all of that. Not to mention that it was all his fault. He told her she wasn’t welcome on the trip, he chose not to say goodbye, he let them lock her up and yet, she still came after him. If he had just sucked it up and let her come then maybe that future he dreamed of for them, could’ve been real. Maybe then they could’ve spent five years together.

He would get to hold her to his chest whenever he wanted. He could sleep with her safely tucked between his arms. He could press sleepy kisses to her forehead, cheeks and lips whenever he wanted. He could tell her everyday how much she meant to him but because he was stubborn, he’d not only never get that future but he’d live everyday imagining the painful and lonely death she’d have as the wave of fire overcame her body. Her screams would haunt his nightmares and his regrets would tug at his heart day after day. And it was all his fault.

Bellamy said a last somber goodbye to his sister and shut off the radio for good this time. He made his way down to the common area and informed Raven of the news. She seemed sad and upset but she didn’t stop for a moment to process it, knowing they needed every last minute they had if they were going to make it. Bellamy decided the best thing he could do now was the same. Make sure they have everything they need to survive five years in space.

What he really wanted to do was get in the rover and go after Clarke but even in desperation and grief, he knew that wasn’t a viable option. With just over twenty minutes before the death wave hit, by the off chance he even found Clarke, they both die in praimfaya before even getting to say hello. It was selfish to go after her and leave his friends who still had a chance to make it. He knew he needed to make sure the others survive for Clarke, it’s what she would’ve wanted. He would spend the next five years mourning her and trying to be better for her but for now, he just needed to focus on the next twenty minutes.

When the communications system on the rocket was fried, he began his trip to the satellite tower.

_SAT STAR ONE._

_SAT STAR ONE._

_SAT STAR ONE._

It was playing over and over like a mantra in his head. This was his job, it was how he made sure his friends survived. He would not fail them. Not again.

His countdown watch reached ten minutes and he knew it was over for him. The satellite tower had not worked, it kept saying _dish not aligned_ and _manual override required._ Bellamy radioed back telling Raven not to wait hoping she wouldn’t even if she didn’t hear his call. He was going to make sure the rest of them survived, he was going to save them like he couldn’t save Clarke, even if it was the last thing he did which from the looks of it, it most likely would be. He began his climb up the tower and hoped for the best.

When he saw the rocket took off, he felt an odd mix of regret, relief and hope. As he stared death in the face, fear was not one of those emotions he was feeling. Maybe he thought this was penance for everything that happened with Clarke. Maybe he thought he deserved it. Either way, he had accepted that this might very well be the end for him but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still gonna try. If he could get back to the lab he could try radio the ring and make sure they all were safe, they made it. Maybe then he wouldn’t have failed everyone important to him. Just Clarke.

When he got the power on, the death wave was on his heels but he ran like hell. Somehow against all odds, he’d made it through the sealed door just in time and with minimal damage. He quickly stripped off the suit and the radiation was hitting him fast, he could tell. He scrambled around the lab looking for radiation meds, anything that could help him before he collapsed really, that’s when he saw it. Nightblood solution leftover from when Clarke had tested it on herself. He grabbed a vial and quickly injected himself while he fell to the floor. If anything was going to give him a fighting chance, it was that and if not, at least he’d die trying.

...

For the next couple hours, or maybe days or maybe even weeks, he couldn’t really tell anymore, Bellamy Blake drifted in and out of consciousness. He supposed that was a good sign really, that he was still alive at all, but truthfully he had no clue, Clarke was the doctor not him.

_Clarke_

She visited him a lot in his dreams and many of his nightmares too. Visions of her dying in praimfaya, what could’ve been between them, her telling him she didn’t forgive him, living for five years in space together and the goodbye they could’ve have if he just sucked it up were some of the more frequent dreams he had. Each one hurt just as much as the last.

By the time Bellamy regained consciousness for what he believed to be for good, he felt sick to his stomach, he was covered in radiation burns and his insides felt like they were melting but nonetheless, he was alive. He drank some water and ate some of the rations the lab had stored while he tried to regain some strength. After he felt strong enough to stand up and walk around, he decided it was time to stop delaying the inevitable and check.

He took a small knife from the small kitchen in the lab and made a shallow incision across his left palm. He knew it had mostly worked given that he was still alive and yet, seeing black blood pour from his skin was still a shocking sight. As much as it was a shock, it was the first bit of hope he felt in a long time.

The nightblood had kept him alive through the after effects of his exposure but that didn’t mean he could just walk outside and be okay. For all he knew he could open the door and be dead within seconds but the nightblood let him hope that maybe that wouldn’t be the case. Maybe he could really see his baby sister again.

...

After about a week in the lab, he’d finished most of the rations and his clean water supply and Bellamy was getting desperate. He knew it was now or never, but that didn’t make opening the door any less terrifyingly. He packed the radio and the remaining rations into a pack and the rest of the water into a canteen as he readied himself for a changed world on the other side of the door.

Luckily enough, other than a few coughs and some of his healing burns stinging in the scorching heat, Bellamy seemed to be fine, or at least alive which was more than he thought he deserved. He covered himself in rags to avoid too much sun damage and began his long and hard journey through what seemed to be endless deserts.

When he found and dug out the rover, he’d thanked the sky above him. Even he didn’t exactly follow a religion, he supposed there had to be something keeping an eye on him or else he would’ve been dead long ago. The fact that the rover had actually worked, well that was just an added bonus.

He took the rover through the deserts and towards what used to be Polis but was now mostly reduced to piles of rubble. It made him sad to see a town that was once so full of life just destroyed. It was shocking really. When he realized he couldn’t open the bunker door though, that was worse. He planned to go to the bunker and live with his sister. If he couldn’t have Clarke, at least he could have Octavia but not anymore.

He got back in the rover that day without a plan. He lost his family, first Clarke, then Octavia and now he was alone not knowing if the rest of his friends had even made it to the ring or not. That day he drove for hours just looking for anything that wasn’t desert. Food, water, green, anything but that time never came. Instead the next week consisted of him running out of food, then water and eventually losing the rover’s solar panels to a bad sand storm.

Bellamy was walking on foot for days and trying to collapse from exhaustion, dehydration or starvation when he heard it. It was an echo of a scream, a human scream and maybe he was just hallucinating but he could’ve sworn it was real. Then he heard it again, less scream and more pain filled groans and whines of what seemed to be a girl’s voice coming from just over the sand dunes. On the off chance that he wasn’t going crazy, he raced up the hills with a sudden burst of adrenaline. What met his eyes at the top of hill, he had never expected.

It was green, a whole lot of it actually. A whole valley in the sand filled with trees and plants and from what he could see, a couple birds flapping their wings above the tree tops. He was lost in his shock but the sound of another loud and pained groan caught his attention. The screams, they were real, there was no way he was still hallucinating them. There was someone alive in that valley and they were in trouble.

As he ran down the steep, sandy hills and into the luscious green, he kept his hand on his gun just incase the person or people were violent. Bellamy made his way deeper into the valley and discovered a truly beautiful sight. It was a whole village, decorated in bright colours and beautiful designs but save for some fresh berries and a small radio on a wooden table next to him, the place seemed to be a ghost town.

The painful whines were getting louder now as he approached a building in the middle of the village. Something about the girl’s voice sounded so familiar and yet he couldn’t quite place it. As he looked down, he noticed something he hadn’t earlier, a trailer of blood leading up to the building. That wasn’t what had his heart beating at twice its normal speed though. After hearing the screams he expected blood but what he hadn’t expected was it to be so dark, black. _It was nightblood_.

Luna was dead though and so was Ontari, along with all the other noviciates who she’d killed. There was only one other nightblood who he knew of but it was impossible, she was supposed to be dead. As he walked up the stairs and began to push open the doors, it suddenly hit him why those screams had sounded so familiar. It’d only been weeks since he’d heard those same desperate cries while a girl he loved and lost was being locked up in a bunker. As he pushed open the door, he saw her familiar blonde locks and he froze.

“Clarke?” He breathed out hesitantly praying that this was not some messed up hallucination his brain was forcing on him. At the sound of his voice her head flipped around to face him and tears flooded her eyes.

“Bellamy?” She cried out in a shaky voice. His trancelike state was broken at the realization that there had been blood and screams. All it took was on look down to her leg to see why. He leg had been cut up by something, deeply, it was bad. He temporarily put aside the millions of thoughts flooding his head at the time and was at her side within seconds.

“What can I do?” He asked trying to make himself as useful as possible. He hated seeing her in pain and this time was definitely no exception.

“Just, hold my hand?” She asked him tearfully with those big blue ocean eyes.

“Always.” He said while he grabbed her hand in his. She stitched up her own leg as Bellamy watched feeling absolutely useless but still happy to help by just letting her squeeze his hand through the pain. After she finished she fell unconscious, most likely from the pain. Bellamy stroked her cheek gently with his thumb while he watched her in awe. His brain was still having trouble processing how she was alive and what that meant for him and for them. For the next couple hours Bellamy sat by her side in silence just watching her belly rise and fall with each steady breathe and thanking whatever or whoever was out there, for keeping Clarke alive all this time.

…

By the time she woke up, the sun was setting and it was beginning to get dark. He supposed he should’ve spent the hours doing something a little more useful than just watching Clarke sleep but even though his head knew that, he couldn’t bring his heart to agree. The millions of unanswered questions swarming his head kept him occupied for the time in which she was unconscious.

When her eyes fluttered open, he gave her a soft smile and didn’t bother removing his hand from where it was firmly holding hers. Truth be told Bellamy was terrified that this was all just some radiation induced hallucination and the second he let go of her or turned his head, she’d be gone. He wasn’t about to take that risk, better safe than sorry.

“Hey,” he whispered sweetly while tucking a loose piece of her hair back behind her ear. Clarke smiled back while her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

“You’re really here.” She said so quietly as if she was afraid to break whatever spell was cast around them. He nodded and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I was so scared that I’d just imagined you were with me, like some sort of pain induced hallucination, and I’d be all alone again when I woke up but you’re still here.” She breathed out. All of a sudden a panic filled her eyes as she scrambled to sit up, pulling his hand toward her and examining it.

“Wait how are you here Bellamy. The radiation, it’s not safe for you yet. I - I saw the rocket take off, I thought you were safe with them.” She spoke quickly with fear evident in her voice as she began trying to get to her feet. “We need to get you out of here, before the radiation -”

“Clarke.” He cut her off with a hand placed reassuringly on her shoulder and pushing her gently back down to the bed. Her worry didn’t evaporate but instead confusion flooded her face.

“I, I don’t understand. How’re you okay Bellamy?” She asked looking deep into his eyes with a furrowed brow.

“Nightblood. I found some of the extra vials in the lab and injected myself just before I passed out. I think it helped me metabolize the radiation and I’m guessing it’s the only reason I’m alive now. I’m also assuming it’s how you’re alive too?” He asked hesitantly and although Clarke still looked visibly confused, she nodded understandingly. The two sat in silence for a short moment before Clarke jumped up again.

“That’s it nightblood!” She called out loudly as she started limping across the room and towards the door. Bellamy quickly ran up behind her and put her arm over his shoulders to help support his weight.

“Woah, Woah, Woah, Clarke. Slow down, you’re just gonna make your injury worse.” He warned her but she didn’t seem to care in the slightest as she continued trying to hobble over to the windows.

“There was a girl, a nightblood child, alive. She couldn’t’ve been older than maybe five or six. I was trying to talk to her when she led be into that bear trap and then went after my stuff.” Said Clarke as she frantically looked back and forth from the window. With a deep sigh she turned to face Bellamy.

“She’s alive out there, all alone, and she’s just a child. I need to help her Bellamy.” She said pleadingly. Bellamy nodded back in agreement, Clarke only ducked her head and looked sad though. “Of course though, I don’t expect you to stick around or anything. You don’t have to help me, you’ve got no obligation to me or the girl.” She spoke wearily.

“Clarke I want to be here with you, I want to do this with you.” He tried his best to reassure her and erase the doubts she was having. She gave him a smile that he saw through but a little girl was out there alone so for now it would have to do. After all, he’d have five years to show her how much she really does mean to him despite his earlier screw ups. “Together?” He asked with a smile of his own.

“Together.” She nodded softly in agreement as they approached the door and pushed it open.

…

They found the young girl again that day and although she wasn’t exactly leaping into their arms, she also didn’t try lead either of them into anymore traps, so they considered that progress. It’d been days and weeks of her watching them eat by the fire from the woods, staring down from the trees as they hunted and picked berries and they even noticed her not so stealthy gaze upon them while they cooled off by the riverside once in a while. It’d taken almost a month but the girl, who they now knew was named Madi, was speaking to them cautiously in a mix of trig and English.

Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship was still unstable at best. After all those hours thinking about what he’d say to her if he was given another chance, he’d been pretty damn silent in the last month. They were healing, both as individuals and their relationship as a whole, but things still felt too off. They seemed to have an unspoken rule about mentioning any of the events leading up to where they now were and Bellamy wasn’t about to shatter whatever fragile thing they had going.

Soon enough, Madi was eating every meal with them, even sleeping in the same cabin most nights. She seemed to like both Clarke and Bellamy very much but he had to admit, Clarke had taken to this whole parenting thing surprisingly well. He supposed that maybe he ought to be taking the lead here, seeing as he was the one with previous experience, having raised Octavia and all but Clarke seemed to handle it all very well alone. That was the problem, pretty much everything Clarke seemed to be doing alone these days and she seemed to be thriving, he couldn’t exactly say the same for himself though. Their promise had always been _together_ but Bellamy blamed no one but himself for ruining that for them. Of course she doesn’t trust him anymore, he’s the one that broke their promise in the first place by having her locked up and not even bothering to say goodbye.

…

Another month had passed when Madi approached Bellamy late one night.

“Hey monkey, didn’t we already put you to bed.” He asked lightly ruffling up her hair.

“Bellamy, is Clarke okay?” She’d spoken slowly, as her English was slowly getting better but was not quite there yet and seriously, completely ignoring Bellamy’s playful tone.

“Of course Clarke’s okay Madi, why do you ask?” He said with a smile as he bent down to the young girl’s height.

“Sometimes after she puts me to bed and she thinks I’m sleeping, I hear her talking to you.” She said unsure of herself. “But I only hear it on nights when you’re away collecting fire wood or tidying up. She’s speaking to you but you’re not there.” Madi frowned and Bellamy furrowed his brow in confusion. “She speaks into the ra- ri..” She stumbled over her words. “The machine to call people.” She tried to explain.

“The radio?” Bellamy asks still not understanding and Madi nods happy that she got her point across.

“I think she thought I was asleep tonight like usual and I heard her crying to the radio Bellamy.” She said with a frown on her face. Bellamy’s heart dropped to hear that Clarke was crying. He still didn’t really understand what was going on but if Madi was right, Clarke was hurting, and he needed to be there for her.

“Thanks for telling me Mads. How about I make you a deal? I’ll go check on Clarke if you can go back to bed. How’s that sound?” He asked with a smile and a light squeeze on her shoulder. Madi nodded enthusiastically and flung herself into his arms before yawing out a _‘goodnight Bellamy.’_ Somehow in the past couple weeks that little girl had managed to steal a place in his heart he thought would only be reserved for his mother, his sister and of course _her_ , and yet here they were.

Madi scurried back into the cabin and off to bed while Bellamy took the longer route and walked around to the back of the cabin where Madi said she heard Clarke. Sure enough, the young girl was right, he heard Clarke’s voice and she was speaking to someone although, he heard no voices responding back. He wasn’t exactly trying to eavesdrop but right before he rounded the cabin, he managed to pick up a bit of what she was saying.

“Anyways Bell, it’s pretty bad down here. I see you everyday but you barely even look at me anymore. I know I’ve just got myself to blame for all this but having you hate me is worse than any -” He stepped on a twig and it snapped, alerting her to his presence behind her. Right away, Clarke’s head snapped back to see him lurking in the shadows of the night.

“Bellamy, I was just trying to call up to the ring, seeing if they’re up there.” She stumbled over her words, words which Bellamy knew were just an excuse.

“ _Clarke,_ ” he said meaningfully. It was just her name but there was so much more behind it. Apologies, reassurances, admissions. “I- I heard what you where saying. You were talking to me.” He said furrowing his brow in both concern and confusion. Clarke let out a deep and heavy sigh. He bent down in front of her to get to her eye level seeing as she was currently sitting on a rock, radio in her lap. “Please just tell me what’s really going on.” He pleaded with her as he saw the unshed tears well up in her eyes.

“You’re gonna think I’m crazy.” She ducked her head and whispered in a broken voice just barely loud enough for him to hear. He placed his hand under her chin and gently pushed it up to make their eyes meet.

“Whatever it is, we can get through it together Clarke. You’re not crazy.” He said softly yet firmly to make sure she understood that he meant what he said. Clarke nodded and let out a shuddering breath.

“I - Some nights when it gets too hard to bare, I talk to you on the radio. I know, I know that it’s not really you and you never respond anyways but sometimes I just need to talk to you Bellamy, the you who didn’t hate me anyways.” She let out a small choked sob.

“Clarke I-” He tried to speak, he needed to let her know he didn’t hate her, in fact it was more the complete opposite.

“No Bell I get it, I deserve it. I locked your sister out of that bunker, I had you locked up, I made all those decisions without you. I don’t blame you for wanting nothing to do with me Bellamy.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not saying that you should forgive me Bell, I’m just saying that I need this.” She said gesturing solemnly to the radio. The silence encased them for a moment before Bellamy spoke again, his shock holding him back.

“Clarke I need you to look at me.” He said to her ducked head and she looked up. In the glow of the moonlight, Bellamy could see the tears streaming down her cheeks, he wiped them away with his thumb. “I don’t hate you,” he said with a small smile. “Hell, I think you’re the first person I’ve ever even truly lov-” He cut himself off but he didn’t miss her sharp inhale. “That’s not the point. I don’t think you made the right decision Clarke but I get why you did it. You tried to save everyone and it was never a matter of if I’ll forgive you, I’ll always forgive you. Sure I was upset at first, I mean you know how important Octavia is to me but I hate myself for not letting you come along on that drive and letting them lock you up. Even more I hate myself for not saying goodbye.” He saw the look of shock encompassing her face. “And I was - I was gonna tell you all that when I got to the radio at the lab but Octavia said you’d gone after me. I knew then that’d I’d lost you for good and it was all my fault but when I found you in this valley all those weeks ago, I thought it was someone giving me a second chance to make things right. Then you were off being all independent and refusing to even meet my eyes half the time, I thought you didn’t want me around and I’d lost my chance, so I tried to give you space. Clarke I’m so sorry that I ever-”He was cut off by her flinging her arms fighting around him and tucking her chin over his shoulder.

“I love you.” She whispered so faintly and hesitantly he might’ve thought he just imagined it. Bellamy wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as his heart was beating at triple speed.

“I love you too.” He spoke back softly, not loosening his grip on her in the slightest.

Bellamy didn’t know exactly where they were headed and honestly neither did Clarke. All they knew was that they had five years, each other and a little girl who meant the world to both of them. For now, that was more than Bellamy ever could’ve dreamed of.

**Author's Note:**

> Thx for reading 🥺 Please let me know what you thought in the comments!!! <3


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